You are a wonderful writer, and you have such a way of creating a feeling, and a scene in people's minds. Very awesome job Amanda. You rawK!

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"So put a quarter in yo ass, cuz you played yourself"

Join ~lostmarbles
OR I KEEL YOU!!!!!!!

oh geesh Kt thank you so much I'm really flattered. you Rawk Too!!!

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_{Fantasy Writer's Forum
My Paintings}

i am curious about the pacing.
it does not make much sense to me...

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This is beautiful. :favlove:

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The world is a stage. Much thanks to the casting director!

hmm please explain professor rhyme! I want to improve all my work but these latest ones most importantly any input you can give me would be helpful.

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_{Fantasy Writer's Forum
My Paintings}

thank you deary.

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_{Fantasy Writer's Forum
My Paintings}

Wow, wow, wow. Erm, as there are many others clamoring for comments at the moment, I can only comment on this poem, but know that I read some of your others, and as soon as I'm done writing this, I'm going to watch you. You are an excellent poet.

I feel a bit guilty asking this, but could you look through my poems? Since the forum post promised free comments, you don't have to, but seriously, and all flattery aside, I could seriously use a poet of your caliber to look at my work.

Onto the critique, though I'm sure I won't have much criticism...

1- Creeping down the embankment that withered away
2- at the coffin faced death trap
3- “What time is it?” She asks,
4- as if it matters.
5- Great paths must be weaved like spider webs
6- before the dance is ended.

Line 1: "Creeping down the embankment that withered away." Here, 'the embankment that withered away' is one phrase, and it is a long one, for poetry anyways. You could probably say 'the withered away embankment,' and keep the same meaning while enhancing effectiveness. This isn't too big of a concern, though, just though I'd point it out.

Line 4: "as if it matters." Separating this from the above line is really effective.

Line 5: "Great paths must be weaved like spider webs " AH! PASSIVE VERB! If you know what a passive verb is, skip to the next paragraph. Passive verbs can probably be best demonstrated by example. "Sally was hit by Rob" is passive, "Rob hit Sally" is active. See?

So, "Great paths must be weaved" is passive, but I"m not sure how to alter it. My first thought is "We must weave great paths like spider webs" but it depends who is doing the weaving.

7- And so we follow
8- the weather beaten national pride niceties
9- that hang below us like
10- baby Dracula’s ready to pounce.

Two small things. I think 'weather beaten' needs a hyphen, and I'm fairly sure there should not be an apostrophe is Dracula's, but I may be reading that wrong.

11- “Which way now?” She wonders.

12- The silent trail, echo free and pitch blue dark,
13- impossible to see.
14- With one wisdom missing, we lose are way
15- among caterpillars and the
16- crunch,
17- crunch,
18- crunch
19- of death under our feet.

Line 12: "The silent trail, echo free and pitch blue dark," I love the phrase pitch-blue.

Line 14: "With one wisdom missing, we lose are way" Change are to our.

Lines 16, 17, 18, and 19: THESE ARE EXCELLENT.

20- Rue the day we met her innocence,
21- breaking rules and backs to please her,
22- like hostages to her femininity.

The first two lines are great, absolutely beautiful when read aloud. Line 22 would perhaps be better if you found a synonym for femininity, but it's pretty good as is. This a minor thing; I'm nit-picking.

23- Little pink squares dance
24- upon themselves to get a glimpse of she,
25- and yet we hold her,
26- in some form,
27- as a captive holds a conqueror close,
28- fearing to have control over their own lives.
29- Oh what would we give for a pair of scissors?

This entire portion (not sure whether to call it a verse) is extremely cryptic. I like it.

30- “Look here!” She whispers.
31- The little beams of light follow her
32- blue gaze, bouncing
33- off the bark of hidden fears
34- and the falling leaves of time.

Excellent imagery.

35- She steps closer,
36- crunch,
37- crunch,
38- crunch.

39- And we are alone again.

And a tantalizing yet satifying ending. Perfect close.

Really, I can't say how wonderful this is.

Thank you so much for your time and effort in reviewing this piece. You have no idea how much it will help in the development of this new style I'm working on. I will go over your points again and edit some of the things you pointed out.

As for the passive verb, I wasn't sure what to do with that line either because I wanted to imply that the paths are being weaved by some other more powerful force than the characters in the poem. If you have any suggestions please let me know.

On another note I will most certainly take a look at your pieces and offer any critique I can.

Thank you again for the comment and the watch.

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_{Fantasy Writer's Forum
My Paintings}

Hmm... perhaps you could refer to it as "The Gods must weave..." or "God must weave..." or "The Powers must weave..."

It all depends which word(s) fit you and the poem, but I think this is the time for a thesaurus.